Disappointment

I thought that the silent treatment would suffice. I began to lose interest after a while. No more visits, no more late night chill sessions. Nada. I thought that maybe she was too busy so I gave her that space that people tend to need when they're transitioning in life. No calls. No texts. Nada. So I feel neglected yet I keep my composure, I never mentioned my feelings deep within. I know when I'm being ignored. I know that now after my prior experiences with past relationships. I nudge her with a text. And I get no response. She calls a day later asking about what the deal was, I clear up the haze and try to make her understand my position in open line communication-based relationships, see I've dealt with that before and I made sure that the next time I wouldn't make the same mistake. So we talk. I really didn't have anything to say to her. I was still upset and losing interest long before the talk. She speaks and I make my comments, looking for acknowledgment of the little funnies every now and then, but there was nothing. Nada. I could only stand silence on the other end while I hear music in the background and random nothings about this and that.

I get restless. I start trying to make her laugh but it turned out that she thought I was becoming weird to her. That shit turned me OFF. Yet on the line I stayed for I knew that I needed to keep my cool. I'm not the type to argue if there's nothing to argue about especially if she's not being disagreeable. I tell her that I am getting tired and that I would talk to her later and she said okay. I hung up. I felt gratified. I had officially stopped caring.

See this is the thing... I was feeling like she was purposefully being distant from me because she wanted the feelings that she had caught to dissipate. I can't blame her. One night she called me telling me about some issue that went down where some guy jumped stupid about her seeing another dude. Her whole night the night she called me was just a mess. Terrible. And that experience made her want to be by herself and not worry about ANY other person. She does not want a relationship. She doesn't want to be with anyone. She doesn't want me. And I had hopes of being a good friend, but she made it painfully clear to me that she didn't want that, so I backed off, that shit turned me off. We had plans to see a movie that Sunday but when I asked her what she was doing after work, she told me that she was going to church. And left it at that. And the way she said it, oooooh, it was like a "I'm going to church, and...?" As if we didn't make plans to hang out once again. I was turned off, I was hurt. But I didn't say a word to show my feelings at that moment. She said that when she got off, we'd go, but nope, she's going to church and shit apparently she forgot about little ol' me.

What I didn't mention earlier, is that during the phone call that she made to me in regards to my text message, I asked her what she was doing the next day. She tells me, and I quote, "I'm going to work and I'm going home." I was yet again, TURNED THE FUCK OFF. I had completely lost interest at this point and wanted nothing to do with her, this is when I decided to get off the phone.

Now see, I didn't call her back. No text messages. Nada. I cut all lines of communication for three days. I see her at work on the 6th of July, oh and we're coworkers, and I didn't even as much LOOK at her. I didn't say a WORD the ENTIRE day, I only worked for 4 hours, but I'm sure she felt me. I never ignored someone that much in my life. It was pretty damn crucial. I talked to EVERYONE else BUT her. And once she caught wind of it, oh yeah, she knew I was pretty serious. No phone calls or text messages for three days and I don't even say as much as "hello".

Hmph, and after work, I'm standing in the front of the store waiting for my ride. One of my front end managers, whom she is friends with, another co-worker, who's bougey and stuck up to no end, and the security is there. Oh and not to mention the one this blog post is about. I stand there and I remember saying something to the stuck up chic and she didn't say anything back to me, now if I speak to you and you just blatantly IGNORE me, then like me, and if you know me you know what I'm about to say, FUCK YOU, anyway I stay quiet and play on my phone. Chic comes from the back and up to the front of the store and I still do not acknowledge her existence, she stands next to her friend, the manager, and all three of them start talking, and I'm off to the side minding my own business. Eventually the front end manager, whom I'm pretty cool with, asks me to join the conversation, and I didn't hear anything but apparently, ol' girl was telling him no, not to ask me, or not to talk to me or whatever I don't even know what she told him but he was like, "oh well I guess not". I knew there was a discrepancy right then and there. So I stood there, not giving a royal FUCK about anyone. It did not phase me one bit. My ride comes and the front end manager says, "Rodgerick, front and center" and I look up outside and see my ride waiting. I tell everyone that I'd see them later, bougey stuck up girl had already left, and there was no reply. I left.

So I was left with my thoughts. Was she going to tell him something about me? Was she going to tell him about how it all began? What could she really say to make me look bad, I have been nothing but nice, and a good friend this whole time. I've listened to her problems and she listened to mine. We had a mutual liking of one another and now what? What is it?! Somebody please tell me? I just stopped talking to the chic for a while, spilt milk. Get over it.

I just really want to tell her off. I want to clue her in on how I've been feeling lately. She is ignorant of what's been going on with me. I doubt she even cares, but that's beside the point. This just may be the END of a friendship. The END of it all. I do not expect any calls or texts. For I have begun the new leaf of simply, not giving a fuck. And typically with me, once I say Fuck off, and I'm done, believe me, I'm done.

You wonder why I don't have so called "friends"? Too much disappointment that's why. People... people! Ugh, seems that in the end the only person you can really rely upon is yourself.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles =)